Why?

Why does the world have so much twisted shit in it?
Why do people say one thing but really mean another?
Why do people say their one thing when they're really another?
Why lie?
Lying is probably my biggest pet peeve. Just tell me the fucking truth!
If you're trying to please me or impress me, don't lie about stupid shit, I'm going to find out the truth and every ounce of respect or trust I had for you just went out the window.
Not to mention big stuff, I mean if you honestly think you can hide the fact that you're an alcoholic, a junkie, a pervert, or just a jackass in general, you're only lying to yourself. You are who you are and only you can change that. Either fix it or don't hide it; obviously if you're not even willing to try and be better, you can't be that ashamed of it. No one wants to hear a bunch of excuses on why you "can't" change, it's bullshit! Everyone has an excuse for everything nowadays. America has excuses for why they don't have money, people have excuses for not getting things done, even murderers have an excuse...It's all bull, own up to your shit and make it right!....

On to my second point...
At what point in life do you look in the mirror and say, "I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm done partying, I'm done with ditching class, I'm done with not having a job, it's time to grow up." ?
I feel like I see more and more people everyday who seem to have missed the memo that they were eventually supposed to grow up.
There's a time where partying, procrastinating from school, having no job, spending all your money on shit you don't need, is all fun and harmless (well, mostly harmless), but there's a definite point where it's time to quit the drinking, the drugs, the spending, all of it. I think some people today are completely beyond hope. I see people who are from 18-40 that just never grew up, I hate it! You can only do so much partying, people!

On to my final point....
Why do people try to pressure you into doing stuff? I do enough stupid shit without your help, people!
I mean honestly, if I don't want to do drugs, have sex, drink...don't try to get me to. I've done it before, what if I'm trying to be a better person? Is that so hard to believe? Is that so hard to understand?
You know those above the influence commercials? The just say no commercials?
When I was a kid, I thought those were overreacted and stupid.
I thought wrong.
That shit is real! People try to pressure me into crap all the time!
If there's only one thing I can tell you throughout this post, it's this...I have done almost all of that stuff they're pressuring you to do. It's not that great, they're lying; people are liars. You WILL regret it later and it WILL be a mistake! After you do it once, you'll most likely do it again...and again. So just stop before you start and tell whoever is pressuring you to fuck off (perhaps in a nicer way...) But in all honesty, you probably don't even want to be their friend anyways, they'll only bring you down and nothing good will come from it.

So I leave you with this...

Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

 *Jane

New post

It's been a while since I've posted. I broke my ankle exercising last week. Now I'm just getting fatter and fatter, disgusting. I hate living as a fat person, I feel so worthless! I ate today and actually kept it down (Worst. Feeling. Ever!) and then I was so angry with myself, I can't help but wonder how most people don't purge. I mean maybe it's just that I've been doing this for so many years, it's all I know. But I don't really remember a time when I ate a bunch of food and felt okay about it, ever! I don't think there's anyway that someone could eat dinner and dessert on, say, Christmas or something and not feel guilty. All I have to do is eat 2 eggs and I feel repulsive. I just so feel like I don't deserve life like this. I'm so huge, it's horrific. I look like some kind of "super size me" Mcdonalds experiment.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just killed myself. I have tried with no success, and why? Why would taking 150 pills only make me sick but kill most people? Why am I still alive after everything I've done to myself? Could it be that I have some sort of greater purpose, that I'm just not supposed to die yet? Or maybe my body is just stronger than average and there's no kind of fate that was set up for me.
Which brings me to my point, is there a higher power? An after life? Someone who's in greater control? If you believe there is, is it because you have your OWN beliefs or because you just adopted someone else's and stuck with them? Could you truly explain to me why YOU personally believe? If you believe in God, how do you know the whole thing isn't bull? They have all this stuff about how God loves you, God is in control, God will help you through....
#1 If God loves EVERYONE, then how special is it that he loves you too? I mean, if he would love you if you murdered someone or if you were perfect, then what comfort should that be? I mean, God loves Ted Bundy and Jack the Ripper. Oh, but the fact that he loves me, that makes everything better...and if God loves everyone the SAME like the Bible says, then how does he decide who to let die and who let live? Christians believe you don't earn this stuff so it can't be that but then how on earth could God decide it's fair to let a 2 year old drown or a 5 year old die from Leukemia? What about the people who are murdered? If God controls everything and loves everyone the same then how does this work? Doesn't the Bible say God is just? Someone please tell me how this is just...
 #2 If God is in control of everything, then how come I can purge, cut, overdose, and do anything else I may want without him stopping me? Please tell me what exactly is he in control of? The day you're born, the day you die? Yes, how do you know that's not just life? I mean, people are born, people live, people die! That's all a part of the way the world works. How exactly do you know he's in control of those moments?
#3 Returning to the same point of if I can purge, cut, overdose, have loved ones die, be molested, be abused, or have any other bad things happen to me then how exactly does God comfort me? If we're going with believing in all of this stuff and we do believe God is in control, then ultimately, he let these things happen so how the fuck is he comforting!? This God which people believe in supposedly created everything and is in control and so he CHOOSES to let things like Murder, rape, assault, robbery, sickness, sudden death, ED, cutting, self hatred, pain etc. go on in this world? What kind of cruel God is this? I know this is all harsh, and I've never been willing to say any of it out loud, but it feels good to finally say it.
The part that gets me the most?
I think I believe in this God, I'm just not sure I can accept that he would do things like this. I'm not sure if he's a God I want to follow. Why would he allow this? Why would ANYONE allow this? I don't know about you, but if I saw everything going on in this world and I had complete control over everything, I would stop the bad shit! What kind of person wouldn't? And would you want to follow them all the days of your life?
Just my thoughts...
*Jane

If I could only disappear...I'm just sorry for being here.

Today my Mom told me she can't wait until I move out, don't worry Mom, I can't wait to get out of your way. She got mad because she was yelling at my little sister and she just looked at her and called her a little brat and gave her a look like she wished she were dead. Well I waited until my little sister left the room and then told my Mom that was entirely unnecessary, but she just told me I should never correct her and I was acting like it was some sort of abuse or something. Call me crazy or ridiculous or whatever but I think calling people names ESPECIALLY your kids and yelling at them like she was for something as silly as not putting her clothes on the right rack in her closet is verbal abuse. I mean my Mom didn't tell her she wanted them to be there, she just said it was logic....come on, she's 10, what logic does she have? So my Mom just yelled at me and told me she can't wait for me to be gone, it's fine, I understand. I'm not sure I could love a child like me either but I sure as hell am not going to let her do to my little sister what she has done to me. I love my Mom so much, I only wish the love was mutual. My parents have 6 kids and 1 mistake: me.
As to my weight, I have lost another lb already (: It's a great feeling!

I'll get here and I'll be perfect.

I'll be loved by someone because who can't love someone who's beautiful?

~Quod me nutrit, me destruit.~

*Jane

It only gets better(:

I weighed myself 30 times today. Every time I stepped on, I would step off and back on to double check my weight loss. I have lost 5 more lbs! This is so huge, I feel amazing! I don't even know how it's coming off so fast! It's seriously about time though, I mean weighing the same thing for 6 weeks?? It's pathetic! I should have lost a ton more by now! My goal is still 5 more lbs by Monday(: Anything more is just frosting on the cake (which I would never eat of course).
New problem though, I have gotten nose bleeds in the past, they're no big deal. I had never gotten them at all until I started purging and stuff but they're whatever now. My new thing is that like when I blow my nose or like today when I was purging, a clot of blood just came out of my nose, like what in the world?? It wasn't like a nose bleed at all! It's so weird! Whatever though, It's worth it.

Beauty from Pain: Superchick

Someday...

~Respect yourself, put down the fork.~

{Stay strong}

*Jane

Finally...

I was SO discouraged because I have been trying so hard to lose more and it was like I hit a brick wall! I have weighed the same thing for over a month and this summer I lost 50 lbs....It's been driving me crazy!!! I was hysterical yesterday because I had to go to my therapist and my nutritionist (My weekly routine now :/) and I had found a scale the day before so I knew kind of what I weighed and then my therapist weighed me and let me see my weight for the first time ever and I had gained 1 1/2 lbs....FOR NO REASON!!!! I had not eaten that day and the day before I had only had like grapefruit juice, water, and some hummus. Not to mention the 75 laxatives I took!  I mean, I was crushed! I just felt like a failure. But then, it all got better today because after not losing weight for like 6 weeks...I weighed myself 15 times today and I weighed less every time! And I drank stuff today guys so it's not one of those "You just dropped water weight, it'll be back tomorrow" moments. I have lost 6 1/2 lbs SINCE YESTERDAY! I don't know, maybe I'm on a super high right now but I feel amazing! I crushed that fucking brick wall to pieces. I'm done trying to beat through it. I'm headed on the path of beauty now(:
I would definitely consider today a win!
So pumped!
Goal? To have lost 10 more lbs by Monday....maybe a little extreme, but I'm going to give it all I've got!

So beautiful!

I want this more than anything!

And I finally feel like it's possible!

~No one ever said it would be easy, but I promise it will be worth it.~

Off to finish homework then to workout!

Ah, I feel amazing!

*Jane

It hurts so bad

Whoever said Anorexia and Bulimia were the easy ways to lose weight was an idiot....I am in constant pain; I can't sleep, I have cuts in my mouth, I get headaches, stomach aches, and times like right now when you've taken 75 laxatives and it's the most excruciating pain. I have felt a lot of pain in my life: Broken bones, busted arteries, huge scrapes, burns, surgery....you name it, but I think times like right now just may top the list of painful things. I know it will be worth it and I know I deserve this pain because I ate yesterday. I just have to stay focused on the positive and forget about all the pain. It will be so so so worth it.

I want this so badly!

{Stay Strong}

~If it was easy, everyone would be thin and beautiful.~

*Jane

I am so repulsive.

I totally binged on Thanksgiving and ate way too much....then I ended up spending about 2 hours of the day throwing up in the bathroom furthest away from my family. I ended up eating again yesterday and today...I took sooo many laxatives. I get the worst headaches now. I exercised so much this week I ended up hurting my arm, I thought it would have been better by now but it's actually not at all...at least it was my right arm.
I found a scale today, I hadn't seen my weight in a long time and I feel so much bigger than before people found out. I weighed myself and I'm disgusting!!!!!!!!! I need to lose about 85 more lbs. I feel like I don't deserve anything for being this fat. I don't know how people can stand to look at me, I sure can't!
I just want to disappear.

I'll get here...

{Stay Strong}

~Every time you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin.~

*Jane

Oh what I would give.

I wish with every ounce of my being that I had never been born. I wish I could disappear in every way. Oh, to never be noticed by anyone. To be no one. I am already nothing; worth nothing, good for nothing...I don't deserve love or to be cared for, I don't deserve friends or or to be liked, I don't deserve life. All those things should be reserved for good people. I am not a good person.

I feel like that Metallica song Fade To Black...It's not a good feeling.

I can't trust anyone. The only things I can trust in are myself and Ana. Life seems hard now but Ana will get me through. It's all I have to believe in....If I can't have the choice to have never been born, at least I can have the choice of being beautiful. When I'm thin, everything will be perfect....When I can leave this place and go away for school, I will fade into the black and everything will be perfect. You can never be too thin. You can never exercise too much. Underweight does not exist.

Someday.

Stay Strong<3

~Skip dinner and you're thinner. When you're thinner, you're a winner.~

*Jane

I. Hate. Food.

So, last night I probably only ended up exercising for about another 1 1/2 hours because....After I finished for a little while, (and I know I shouldn't have) I ate 3 raw carrots and 5 apple slices, and then I threw all of them up along with the water I drank. Not on purpose, it was completely involuntary! This is what happens when I try to eat food normally. This is part of the reason I hate eating in front of people, I mean what if I was just sitting at dinner one night and I ate 10 bites and then had to run to the bathroom? How embarrassing....I guess that's what I get for eating though, I knew I shouldn't have and I did anyways. I took 45 laxatives and some caffeine pills and diet pills yesterday though and then I felt so much better. I haven't eaten anything today and I don't think I'm going to. Water is all I need. Water is all anyone needs. I feel thinner already! I have been so off for the past month or so but I'm back on track now and I'm not going to let anything stop me!

So beautiful. So perfect.

One day(:

~I'd rather die thin than live fat.~

*Jane

The Most Amazing Feeling

Kate Moss once said "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". I couldn't agree more. After spending the last 2 hours or so exercising my butt off, I feel thinner already! It's the most rewarding feeling when you can exercise and afterwards you can just put your hands around your waist and know that you're thinner. I know I can always control how thin I am; you choose your fate. I am choosing to be beautiful! I did lunges, sit-ups, squats, pikes, toe touches, flips, hand stands, push ups, I ran...I feel great! I'm going to do more when everyone goes to sleep! Caffeine pills and laxatives are the key to my life! I already took some caffeine pills before I exercised but I'm going to take more and some laxatives. They make everything better!

I will get there.

~People may betray you, but Ana never will.~

Off to bake cupcakes for the fam. I won't eat any of course, just watch them(:

*Jane

I wonder, but I'll never know.

Sometimes I wonder what there would be to this world for me if there wasn't always that constant worry of what I eat, how much I eat, when can I get rid of it, how much exercise will compensate etc. What would life be like? I think my life would be meaningless. Everything in my life revolves around how I look. If I eat something I shouldn't and I can't exercise or get rid of it, I'm in a horrible mood. If I'm not doing something that has to do with food or how I look, I drive myself crazy thinking. There's nothing else to me. Pro Ana is not a problem, it's a whole different lifestyle. It's an obsession and it's like now, I'm stuck. Even if I didn't want to be pro ana and I wanted to be normal and not worry about these things, I have to, It's all I am. I'm no where near thin enough, I'm not even what I would even come close to calling thin. I'm huge, but the whole thing with pro ana is being obsessed with getting there, and I will get there. I can't stop. I'm going to end up like these beautiful girls in the pictures and I know it's going to take a while and it's hard! But I'm going to make it because I want it more than anything.

What I've eaten today: (Way too much, that's for sure)
4 egg whites
2 mini bagel thins
raw carrots
Water
194 calories.

Right now I have to eat more because people are watching me so when their around I eat. But their suspicion is dwindling and soon I'll be free to be beautiful.

She's so gorgeous!

~Don't give up what you want most for what you want at the moment.~

Off to exercise<3

*Jane

Celebrity Inspiration

So perfect!

Both so gorgeous!

Love.

*Jane

Diets to try

This is the ABC diet which I have tried like twice...It's a pretty good starter diet.

Just read this...Hunger disappears instantly.

Don't you want this?

*Jane

Things to live by

*Jane

Reasons Why

The girls in these photos are all bigger than I want to be but these are all reasons why I want this...with so many more to add!

I want all of this....It will come.

It's all on me.

I can do this.

*Jane