This is all there is

I wish I had never been born, but since that can't happen, I wish I were dead. As I type this, I'm not crying, I'm not about to cry, and I'm not even really truly upset. I have just come to realize that this is all there really is. People say life gets better but when? Something will always be wrong. No one is ever good enough, especially not me. Sometimes I try to talk to my mom about things she said or did when I was a kid, not necessarily horrible things, just things. She always denies them and re-tells the story her way to be a much happier story and that I made up the bad parts in my head. She also tells me these bad things I have done which I don't  remember ever doing, or if I do, I don't remember it at all happening the way she does. She makes me feel guilty about everything and she makes me feel crazy all the time. I used to think she was trying to drive me nuts, but now I'm wondering if I'm really just delusional. I feel like I'm going crazy because this has been happening for years. What's wrong with me? She says all I try to do is hurt people. I hope that's not true, I would never want to intentionally hurt anyone, or at least I don't think so. I never knew how horrible of a person I was until my mom told me. I don't understand how I got to be so bad. I try to please everyone, but clearly, I fail. What kind of life can you live if you're such a horrible person? Delusional, hurtful, rude, and controlling. I'm a dangerous person. No one should be around me, I should be locked up somewhere.
She records me. My own mother records our conversations, no "fights". She said today "would you be okay if your friends heard this?". Why would she do this? I know I'm crazy, but why treat me like an experiment? I can't trust her. I can't trust anyone.
I wish I were dead.
I have tried, but to no avail.
I'm not afraid to die.
You cannot be afraid of what you deserve, which is why I don't fear pain.
No one deserves to have to be around me or put up with me.

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?"

-Albert Einstein

*Jane

Be yourself?

Is anyone truly happy with themselves? I'm not sure it's possible. You will always have flaws and there are people who say they realize their flaws and are okay with them, but are they really?

You see quotes from people all the time about "Be yourself." but what if you are not a good person? Should Ted Bundy have been himself? He was a cold-blooded killer and even said in prison he knew he was wrong but that's just who he was and he couldn't stop. Should John Jameske have been himself? He kidnapped, raped, and tortured multiple young women and also admitted to knowing it was wrong. He even prefaced each attack with a Bible study trying to justify his acts. He later stated that he realized it was wrong and even felt guilty at times but it was just who he was and he couldn't stop. Should I be who I am? I've never raped, tortured, or murdered someone but I have inflicted pain on others. I am a bad person. What do you say to the people in the world who really are bad people? The one's who are not fixable? Ted Bundy would have killed those women no matter what they did to him, John Jameske would have tortured and raped those women no matter what, Jack the Ripper would have killed no matter what, so what for them? What lies ahead for serial killers, pedophiles, rapists? They can't be rehabilitated, they can't be set free, so what? Do we just leave them in mental wards and prisons where they suffer more mental damage than they already have? To this I don't have an answer, just an opinion. I don't believe in the death penalty but I do believe in love, compassion, and forgiveness. I know what you're thinking "It wasn't your sister or mom who was kidnapped, raped, tortured, and murdered." and you're right, but I believe you should do unto others as you would have them do unto you and I also believe that if someone does something mean to you, you should not do something mean back. I think we should leave them in prison for life, but monitor our prisons closer to rid the violence, rape, and torture that goes on in them. I also think the prisons now are too lush and shouldn't have things like big flat screen tv's and places they can roam around to all the time, it shouldn't be a fun place to be, but it shouldn't be hell on earth either. Just my thoughts.
*Jane

Pain

The blade against your skin
Your fingers in your throat
The pills in your mouth
The alcohol in your glass
The drugs in your hand
Pain


The world is filled with pain. I believe most of it is self-inflicted but there's also those other cases where the innocent are hurt by the evil. People say there is good in everyone, but if that's true, where's the rest of the good in the world? Pain, suffering, sadness....it all describes the world we live in. I'm not referring to me, yes I hate myself and yes I'm unhappy every time I think about myself, but in this world, that's pretty damn great when you think about everything else going on. Innocent people being raped, murdered, starved...all for no reason. I know it's not something most people think about but people like Polly Klaas, Jaycee Dugard, Natalee Holloway, Genie, Kelsey Briggs, Masha, Elizabeth Fritzel, David Pelzer, Amber Hagerman, Steven Stayner, Elizabeth Smart, Colleen Stan, Natascha Kampusch...break my heart. Most people haven't even heard of most of those people and that's the sad part. These people had their innocence, their childhood, and for some of them, their life ripped away from them and they just get forgotten by the world? I know everyone says the world is an unfair place, but this just takes it too far. These people deserve to have a voice, to be heard, to warn others about the evil in this world. Everyone always thinks "Oh, but things like that don't really happen." But they really did and they still do. What kind of person would commit such heinous crimes, I don't know but they're out there and nothing gets to me more than when I read about a child who was neglected,  tortured, raped, or murdered. I just wish I could help them. The world will always have evil, but what if everyone did their part to help a child or family in need? What if, when you were at the school or supermarket that day, and you saw that mother yell at her child in a slightly abusive way that didn't just seem like she was having a stressful day, you did something about it? What if everyone did that? I mean, if they did that to their child in public, imagine what they could be doing to them at home. Yes, it very well may be nothing and probably is but isn't it better to be safe than sorry?
One of my biggest regrets in life, and it still brings tears to my eyes, is that one time when I was 14 yrs old, I was out shopping with my Mom and sister when we stopped in the food court. My sister and I went to stand in line at one restaurant while my mom went to another. While we were in line, there was a lady in front of us that had a baby with her in a stroller, I would guess he was about 2. The baby started to ask for some water and the mother very firmly told the baby to "shut up". I was astonished someone could talk in such a way to an innocent baby but didn't think much of it as she could have just been busy at the moment and chosen the wrong words. The baby then got upset as any child spoken to in that manner would have and the mother crouched down to eye level with the baby and popped his face and said " I said shut up!". At this point, I was ready to burst with anger and heart-break! How could anyone treat a baby like this? At this point the lady was finally ordering and the baby looked as heart-broken as I felt with a tear-stained face and a puckering lip, but he did stop crying. The woman finished ordering and walked the baby over to the table she was sitting at and proceeded to sit on one side of the table with a friend and eat while the child sat in his stroller on the other side of the table with nothing to eat or drink and was expected not to talk or cry. After my sister and I finished ordering I immediately looked at her and said we HAD to do something! We needed to call someone; the police, CPS, security, I didn't care, just anyone who would do something for that child! When we got back to our table with our food we both told my Mom and they both agreed that CPS and the police wouldn't do anything about it and we didn't see anything major so it wasn't worth calling. I disagreed but I let it go. I went to sleep that night wondering what that child might be enduring while he was at home and no one was there to witness the pain his mother caused him. I should have insisted we call someone, but I didn't. That was 2 years ago and I still wonder about that child. Is he okay? Did something bad happen to him? Could I have stopped it? I'll never know, but I do know it kills me inside. I'll never watch something like that again and not do something. Every child deserves to be loved, or at least a chance; give it to them.
*Jane

Why?

Why does the world have so much twisted shit in it?
Why do people say one thing but really mean another?
Why do people say their one thing when they're really another?
Why lie?
Lying is probably my biggest pet peeve. Just tell me the fucking truth!
If you're trying to please me or impress me, don't lie about stupid shit, I'm going to find out the truth and every ounce of respect or trust I had for you just went out the window.
Not to mention big stuff, I mean if you honestly think you can hide the fact that you're an alcoholic, a junkie, a pervert, or just a jackass in general, you're only lying to yourself. You are who you are and only you can change that. Either fix it or don't hide it; obviously if you're not even willing to try and be better, you can't be that ashamed of it. No one wants to hear a bunch of excuses on why you "can't" change, it's bullshit! Everyone has an excuse for everything nowadays. America has excuses for why they don't have money, people have excuses for not getting things done, even murderers have an excuse...It's all bull, own up to your shit and make it right!....

On to my second point...
At what point in life do you look in the mirror and say, "I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm done partying, I'm done with ditching class, I'm done with not having a job, it's time to grow up." ?
I feel like I see more and more people everyday who seem to have missed the memo that they were eventually supposed to grow up.
There's a time where partying, procrastinating from school, having no job, spending all your money on shit you don't need, is all fun and harmless (well, mostly harmless), but there's a definite point where it's time to quit the drinking, the drugs, the spending, all of it. I think some people today are completely beyond hope. I see people who are from 18-40 that just never grew up, I hate it! You can only do so much partying, people!

On to my final point....
Why do people try to pressure you into doing stuff? I do enough stupid shit without your help, people!
I mean honestly, if I don't want to do drugs, have sex, drink...don't try to get me to. I've done it before, what if I'm trying to be a better person? Is that so hard to believe? Is that so hard to understand?
You know those above the influence commercials? The just say no commercials?
When I was a kid, I thought those were overreacted and stupid.
I thought wrong.
That shit is real! People try to pressure me into crap all the time!
If there's only one thing I can tell you throughout this post, it's this...I have done almost all of that stuff they're pressuring you to do. It's not that great, they're lying; people are liars. You WILL regret it later and it WILL be a mistake! After you do it once, you'll most likely do it again...and again. So just stop before you start and tell whoever is pressuring you to fuck off (perhaps in a nicer way...) But in all honesty, you probably don't even want to be their friend anyways, they'll only bring you down and nothing good will come from it.

So I leave you with this...

Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

 *Jane

New post

It's been a while since I've posted. I broke my ankle exercising last week. Now I'm just getting fatter and fatter, disgusting. I hate living as a fat person, I feel so worthless! I ate today and actually kept it down (Worst. Feeling. Ever!) and then I was so angry with myself, I can't help but wonder how most people don't purge. I mean maybe it's just that I've been doing this for so many years, it's all I know. But I don't really remember a time when I ate a bunch of food and felt okay about it, ever! I don't think there's anyway that someone could eat dinner and dessert on, say, Christmas or something and not feel guilty. All I have to do is eat 2 eggs and I feel repulsive. I just so feel like I don't deserve life like this. I'm so huge, it's horrific. I look like some kind of "super size me" Mcdonalds experiment.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just killed myself. I have tried with no success, and why? Why would taking 150 pills only make me sick but kill most people? Why am I still alive after everything I've done to myself? Could it be that I have some sort of greater purpose, that I'm just not supposed to die yet? Or maybe my body is just stronger than average and there's no kind of fate that was set up for me.
Which brings me to my point, is there a higher power? An after life? Someone who's in greater control? If you believe there is, is it because you have your OWN beliefs or because you just adopted someone else's and stuck with them? Could you truly explain to me why YOU personally believe? If you believe in God, how do you know the whole thing isn't bull? They have all this stuff about how God loves you, God is in control, God will help you through....
#1 If God loves EVERYONE, then how special is it that he loves you too? I mean, if he would love you if you murdered someone or if you were perfect, then what comfort should that be? I mean, God loves Ted Bundy and Jack the Ripper. Oh, but the fact that he loves me, that makes everything better...and if God loves everyone the SAME like the Bible says, then how does he decide who to let die and who let live? Christians believe you don't earn this stuff so it can't be that but then how on earth could God decide it's fair to let a 2 year old drown or a 5 year old die from Leukemia? What about the people who are murdered? If God controls everything and loves everyone the same then how does this work? Doesn't the Bible say God is just? Someone please tell me how this is just...
 #2 If God is in control of everything, then how come I can purge, cut, overdose, and do anything else I may want without him stopping me? Please tell me what exactly is he in control of? The day you're born, the day you die? Yes, how do you know that's not just life? I mean, people are born, people live, people die! That's all a part of the way the world works. How exactly do you know he's in control of those moments?
#3 Returning to the same point of if I can purge, cut, overdose, have loved ones die, be molested, be abused, or have any other bad things happen to me then how exactly does God comfort me? If we're going with believing in all of this stuff and we do believe God is in control, then ultimately, he let these things happen so how the fuck is he comforting!? This God which people believe in supposedly created everything and is in control and so he CHOOSES to let things like Murder, rape, assault, robbery, sickness, sudden death, ED, cutting, self hatred, pain etc. go on in this world? What kind of cruel God is this? I know this is all harsh, and I've never been willing to say any of it out loud, but it feels good to finally say it.
The part that gets me the most?
I think I believe in this God, I'm just not sure I can accept that he would do things like this. I'm not sure if he's a God I want to follow. Why would he allow this? Why would ANYONE allow this? I don't know about you, but if I saw everything going on in this world and I had complete control over everything, I would stop the bad shit! What kind of person wouldn't? And would you want to follow them all the days of your life?
Just my thoughts...
*Jane

If I could only disappear...I'm just sorry for being here.

Today my Mom told me she can't wait until I move out, don't worry Mom, I can't wait to get out of your way. She got mad because she was yelling at my little sister and she just looked at her and called her a little brat and gave her a look like she wished she were dead. Well I waited until my little sister left the room and then told my Mom that was entirely unnecessary, but she just told me I should never correct her and I was acting like it was some sort of abuse or something. Call me crazy or ridiculous or whatever but I think calling people names ESPECIALLY your kids and yelling at them like she was for something as silly as not putting her clothes on the right rack in her closet is verbal abuse. I mean my Mom didn't tell her she wanted them to be there, she just said it was logic....come on, she's 10, what logic does she have? So my Mom just yelled at me and told me she can't wait for me to be gone, it's fine, I understand. I'm not sure I could love a child like me either but I sure as hell am not going to let her do to my little sister what she has done to me. I love my Mom so much, I only wish the love was mutual. My parents have 6 kids and 1 mistake: me.
As to my weight, I have lost another lb already (: It's a great feeling!

I'll get here and I'll be perfect.

I'll be loved by someone because who can't love someone who's beautiful?

~Quod me nutrit, me destruit.~

*Jane

It only gets better(:

I weighed myself 30 times today. Every time I stepped on, I would step off and back on to double check my weight loss. I have lost 5 more lbs! This is so huge, I feel amazing! I don't even know how it's coming off so fast! It's seriously about time though, I mean weighing the same thing for 6 weeks?? It's pathetic! I should have lost a ton more by now! My goal is still 5 more lbs by Monday(: Anything more is just frosting on the cake (which I would never eat of course).
New problem though, I have gotten nose bleeds in the past, they're no big deal. I had never gotten them at all until I started purging and stuff but they're whatever now. My new thing is that like when I blow my nose or like today when I was purging, a clot of blood just came out of my nose, like what in the world?? It wasn't like a nose bleed at all! It's so weird! Whatever though, It's worth it.

Beauty from Pain: Superchick

Someday...

~Respect yourself, put down the fork.~

{Stay strong}

*Jane