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It's been a while since I've posted. I broke my ankle exercising last week. Now I'm just getting fatter and fatter, disgusting. I hate living as a fat person, I feel so worthless! I ate today and actually kept it down (Worst. Feeling. Ever!) and then I was so angry with myself, I can't help but wonder how most people don't purge. I mean maybe it's just that I've been doing this for so many years, it's all I know. But I don't really remember a time when I ate a bunch of food and felt okay about it, ever! I don't think there's anyway that someone could eat dinner and dessert on, say, Christmas or something and not feel guilty. All I have to do is eat 2 eggs and I feel repulsive. I just so feel like I don't deserve life like this. I'm so huge, it's horrific. I look like some kind of "super size me" Mcdonalds experiment.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just killed myself. I have tried with no success, and why? Why would taking 150 pills only make me sick but kill most people? Why am I still alive after everything I've done to myself? Could it be that I have some sort of greater purpose, that I'm just not supposed to die yet? Or maybe my body is just stronger than average and there's no kind of fate that was set up for me.
Which brings me to my point, is there a higher power? An after life? Someone who's in greater control? If you believe there is, is it because you have your OWN beliefs or because you just adopted someone else's and stuck with them? Could you truly explain to me why YOU personally believe? If you believe in God, how do you know the whole thing isn't bull? They have all this stuff about how God loves you, God is in control, God will help you through....
#1 If God loves EVERYONE, then how special is it that he loves you too? I mean, if he would love you if you murdered someone or if you were perfect, then what comfort should that be? I mean, God loves Ted Bundy and Jack the Ripper. Oh, but the fact that he loves me, that makes everything better...and if God loves everyone the SAME like the Bible says, then how does he decide who to let die and who let live? Christians believe you don't earn this stuff so it can't be that but then how on earth could God decide it's fair to let a 2 year old drown or a 5 year old die from Leukemia? What about the people who are murdered? If God controls everything and loves everyone the same then how does this work? Doesn't the Bible say God is just? Someone please tell me how this is just...
 #2 If God is in control of everything, then how come I can purge, cut, overdose, and do anything else I may want without him stopping me? Please tell me what exactly is he in control of? The day you're born, the day you die? Yes, how do you know that's not just life? I mean, people are born, people live, people die! That's all a part of the way the world works. How exactly do you know he's in control of those moments?
#3 Returning to the same point of if I can purge, cut, overdose, have loved ones die, be molested, be abused, or have any other bad things happen to me then how exactly does God comfort me? If we're going with believing in all of this stuff and we do believe God is in control, then ultimately, he let these things happen so how the fuck is he comforting!? This God which people believe in supposedly created everything and is in control and so he CHOOSES to let things like Murder, rape, assault, robbery, sickness, sudden death, ED, cutting, self hatred, pain etc. go on in this world? What kind of cruel God is this? I know this is all harsh, and I've never been willing to say any of it out loud, but it feels good to finally say it.
The part that gets me the most?
I think I believe in this God, I'm just not sure I can accept that he would do things like this. I'm not sure if he's a God I want to follow. Why would he allow this? Why would ANYONE allow this? I don't know about you, but if I saw everything going on in this world and I had complete control over everything, I would stop the bad shit! What kind of person wouldn't? And would you want to follow them all the days of your life?
Just my thoughts...
*Jane