It only gets better(:

I weighed myself 30 times today. Every time I stepped on, I would step off and back on to double check my weight loss. I have lost 5 more lbs! This is so huge, I feel amazing! I don't even know how it's coming off so fast! It's seriously about time though, I mean weighing the same thing for 6 weeks?? It's pathetic! I should have lost a ton more by now! My goal is still 5 more lbs by Monday(: Anything more is just frosting on the cake (which I would never eat of course).
New problem though, I have gotten nose bleeds in the past, they're no big deal. I had never gotten them at all until I started purging and stuff but they're whatever now. My new thing is that like when I blow my nose or like today when I was purging, a clot of blood just came out of my nose, like what in the world?? It wasn't like a nose bleed at all! It's so weird! Whatever though, It's worth it.

Beauty from Pain: Superchick

Someday...

~Respect yourself, put down the fork.~

{Stay strong}

*Jane

Finally...

I was SO discouraged because I have been trying so hard to lose more and it was like I hit a brick wall! I have weighed the same thing for over a month and this summer I lost 50 lbs....It's been driving me crazy!!! I was hysterical yesterday because I had to go to my therapist and my nutritionist (My weekly routine now :/) and I had found a scale the day before so I knew kind of what I weighed and then my therapist weighed me and let me see my weight for the first time ever and I had gained 1 1/2 lbs....FOR NO REASON!!!! I had not eaten that day and the day before I had only had like grapefruit juice, water, and some hummus. Not to mention the 75 laxatives I took!  I mean, I was crushed! I just felt like a failure. But then, it all got better today because after not losing weight for like 6 weeks...I weighed myself 15 times today and I weighed less every time! And I drank stuff today guys so it's not one of those "You just dropped water weight, it'll be back tomorrow" moments. I have lost 6 1/2 lbs SINCE YESTERDAY! I don't know, maybe I'm on a super high right now but I feel amazing! I crushed that fucking brick wall to pieces. I'm done trying to beat through it. I'm headed on the path of beauty now(:
I would definitely consider today a win!
So pumped!
Goal? To have lost 10 more lbs by Monday....maybe a little extreme, but I'm going to give it all I've got!

So beautiful!

I want this more than anything!

And I finally feel like it's possible!

~No one ever said it would be easy, but I promise it will be worth it.~

Off to finish homework then to workout!

Ah, I feel amazing!

*Jane

It hurts so bad

Whoever said Anorexia and Bulimia were the easy ways to lose weight was an idiot....I am in constant pain; I can't sleep, I have cuts in my mouth, I get headaches, stomach aches, and times like right now when you've taken 75 laxatives and it's the most excruciating pain. I have felt a lot of pain in my life: Broken bones, busted arteries, huge scrapes, burns, surgery....you name it, but I think times like right now just may top the list of painful things. I know it will be worth it and I know I deserve this pain because I ate yesterday. I just have to stay focused on the positive and forget about all the pain. It will be so so so worth it.

I want this so badly!

{Stay Strong}

~If it was easy, everyone would be thin and beautiful.~

*Jane

I am so repulsive.

I totally binged on Thanksgiving and ate way too much....then I ended up spending about 2 hours of the day throwing up in the bathroom furthest away from my family. I ended up eating again yesterday and today...I took sooo many laxatives. I get the worst headaches now. I exercised so much this week I ended up hurting my arm, I thought it would have been better by now but it's actually not at all...at least it was my right arm.
I found a scale today, I hadn't seen my weight in a long time and I feel so much bigger than before people found out. I weighed myself and I'm disgusting!!!!!!!!! I need to lose about 85 more lbs. I feel like I don't deserve anything for being this fat. I don't know how people can stand to look at me, I sure can't!
I just want to disappear.

I'll get here...

{Stay Strong}

~Every time you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin.~

*Jane

Oh what I would give.

I wish with every ounce of my being that I had never been born. I wish I could disappear in every way. Oh, to never be noticed by anyone. To be no one. I am already nothing; worth nothing, good for nothing...I don't deserve love or to be cared for, I don't deserve friends or or to be liked, I don't deserve life. All those things should be reserved for good people. I am not a good person.

I feel like that Metallica song Fade To Black...It's not a good feeling.

I can't trust anyone. The only things I can trust in are myself and Ana. Life seems hard now but Ana will get me through. It's all I have to believe in....If I can't have the choice to have never been born, at least I can have the choice of being beautiful. When I'm thin, everything will be perfect....When I can leave this place and go away for school, I will fade into the black and everything will be perfect. You can never be too thin. You can never exercise too much. Underweight does not exist.

Someday.

Stay Strong<3

~Skip dinner and you're thinner. When you're thinner, you're a winner.~

*Jane

I. Hate. Food.

So, last night I probably only ended up exercising for about another 1 1/2 hours because....After I finished for a little while, (and I know I shouldn't have) I ate 3 raw carrots and 5 apple slices, and then I threw all of them up along with the water I drank. Not on purpose, it was completely involuntary! This is what happens when I try to eat food normally. This is part of the reason I hate eating in front of people, I mean what if I was just sitting at dinner one night and I ate 10 bites and then had to run to the bathroom? How embarrassing....I guess that's what I get for eating though, I knew I shouldn't have and I did anyways. I took 45 laxatives and some caffeine pills and diet pills yesterday though and then I felt so much better. I haven't eaten anything today and I don't think I'm going to. Water is all I need. Water is all anyone needs. I feel thinner already! I have been so off for the past month or so but I'm back on track now and I'm not going to let anything stop me!

So beautiful. So perfect.

One day(:

~I'd rather die thin than live fat.~

*Jane

The Most Amazing Feeling

Kate Moss once said "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". I couldn't agree more. After spending the last 2 hours or so exercising my butt off, I feel thinner already! It's the most rewarding feeling when you can exercise and afterwards you can just put your hands around your waist and know that you're thinner. I know I can always control how thin I am; you choose your fate. I am choosing to be beautiful! I did lunges, sit-ups, squats, pikes, toe touches, flips, hand stands, push ups, I ran...I feel great! I'm going to do more when everyone goes to sleep! Caffeine pills and laxatives are the key to my life! I already took some caffeine pills before I exercised but I'm going to take more and some laxatives. They make everything better!

I will get there.

~People may betray you, but Ana never will.~

Off to bake cupcakes for the fam. I won't eat any of course, just watch them(:

*Jane

I wonder, but I'll never know.

Sometimes I wonder what there would be to this world for me if there wasn't always that constant worry of what I eat, how much I eat, when can I get rid of it, how much exercise will compensate etc. What would life be like? I think my life would be meaningless. Everything in my life revolves around how I look. If I eat something I shouldn't and I can't exercise or get rid of it, I'm in a horrible mood. If I'm not doing something that has to do with food or how I look, I drive myself crazy thinking. There's nothing else to me. Pro Ana is not a problem, it's a whole different lifestyle. It's an obsession and it's like now, I'm stuck. Even if I didn't want to be pro ana and I wanted to be normal and not worry about these things, I have to, It's all I am. I'm no where near thin enough, I'm not even what I would even come close to calling thin. I'm huge, but the whole thing with pro ana is being obsessed with getting there, and I will get there. I can't stop. I'm going to end up like these beautiful girls in the pictures and I know it's going to take a while and it's hard! But I'm going to make it because I want it more than anything.

What I've eaten today: (Way too much, that's for sure)
4 egg whites
2 mini bagel thins
raw carrots
Water
194 calories.

Right now I have to eat more because people are watching me so when their around I eat. But their suspicion is dwindling and soon I'll be free to be beautiful.

She's so gorgeous!

~Don't give up what you want most for what you want at the moment.~

Off to exercise<3

*Jane

Celebrity Inspiration

So perfect!

Both so gorgeous!

Love.

*Jane

Diets to try

This is the ABC diet which I have tried like twice...It's a pretty good starter diet.

Just read this...Hunger disappears instantly.

Don't you want this?

*Jane

Things to live by

*Jane

Reasons Why

The girls in these photos are all bigger than I want to be but these are all reasons why I want this...with so many more to add!

I want all of this....It will come.

It's all on me.

I can do this.

*Jane