This is all there is

I wish I had never been born, but since that can't happen, I wish I were dead. As I type this, I'm not crying, I'm not about to cry, and I'm not even really truly upset. I have just come to realize that this is all there really is. People say life gets better but when? Something will always be wrong. No one is ever good enough, especially not me. Sometimes I try to talk to my mom about things she said or did when I was a kid, not necessarily horrible things, just things. She always denies them and re-tells the story her way to be a much happier story and that I made up the bad parts in my head. She also tells me these bad things I have done which I don't  remember ever doing, or if I do, I don't remember it at all happening the way she does. She makes me feel guilty about everything and she makes me feel crazy all the time. I used to think she was trying to drive me nuts, but now I'm wondering if I'm really just delusional. I feel like I'm going crazy because this has been happening for years. What's wrong with me? She says all I try to do is hurt people. I hope that's not true, I would never want to intentionally hurt anyone, or at least I don't think so. I never knew how horrible of a person I was until my mom told me. I don't understand how I got to be so bad. I try to please everyone, but clearly, I fail. What kind of life can you live if you're such a horrible person? Delusional, hurtful, rude, and controlling. I'm a dangerous person. No one should be around me, I should be locked up somewhere.
She records me. My own mother records our conversations, no "fights". She said today "would you be okay if your friends heard this?". Why would she do this? I know I'm crazy, but why treat me like an experiment? I can't trust her. I can't trust anyone.
I wish I were dead.
I have tried, but to no avail.
I'm not afraid to die.
You cannot be afraid of what you deserve, which is why I don't fear pain.
No one deserves to have to be around me or put up with me.

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?"

-Albert Einstein

*Jane

Be yourself?

Is anyone truly happy with themselves? I'm not sure it's possible. You will always have flaws and there are people who say they realize their flaws and are okay with them, but are they really?

You see quotes from people all the time about "Be yourself." but what if you are not a good person? Should Ted Bundy have been himself? He was a cold-blooded killer and even said in prison he knew he was wrong but that's just who he was and he couldn't stop. Should John Jameske have been himself? He kidnapped, raped, and tortured multiple young women and also admitted to knowing it was wrong. He even prefaced each attack with a Bible study trying to justify his acts. He later stated that he realized it was wrong and even felt guilty at times but it was just who he was and he couldn't stop. Should I be who I am? I've never raped, tortured, or murdered someone but I have inflicted pain on others. I am a bad person. What do you say to the people in the world who really are bad people? The one's who are not fixable? Ted Bundy would have killed those women no matter what they did to him, John Jameske would have tortured and raped those women no matter what, Jack the Ripper would have killed no matter what, so what for them? What lies ahead for serial killers, pedophiles, rapists? They can't be rehabilitated, they can't be set free, so what? Do we just leave them in mental wards and prisons where they suffer more mental damage than they already have? To this I don't have an answer, just an opinion. I don't believe in the death penalty but I do believe in love, compassion, and forgiveness. I know what you're thinking "It wasn't your sister or mom who was kidnapped, raped, tortured, and murdered." and you're right, but I believe you should do unto others as you would have them do unto you and I also believe that if someone does something mean to you, you should not do something mean back. I think we should leave them in prison for life, but monitor our prisons closer to rid the violence, rape, and torture that goes on in them. I also think the prisons now are too lush and shouldn't have things like big flat screen tv's and places they can roam around to all the time, it shouldn't be a fun place to be, but it shouldn't be hell on earth either. Just my thoughts.
*Jane

Pain

The blade against your skin
Your fingers in your throat
The pills in your mouth
The alcohol in your glass
The drugs in your hand
Pain


The world is filled with pain. I believe most of it is self-inflicted but there's also those other cases where the innocent are hurt by the evil. People say there is good in everyone, but if that's true, where's the rest of the good in the world? Pain, suffering, sadness....it all describes the world we live in. I'm not referring to me, yes I hate myself and yes I'm unhappy every time I think about myself, but in this world, that's pretty damn great when you think about everything else going on. Innocent people being raped, murdered, starved...all for no reason. I know it's not something most people think about but people like Polly Klaas, Jaycee Dugard, Natalee Holloway, Genie, Kelsey Briggs, Masha, Elizabeth Fritzel, David Pelzer, Amber Hagerman, Steven Stayner, Elizabeth Smart, Colleen Stan, Natascha Kampusch...break my heart. Most people haven't even heard of most of those people and that's the sad part. These people had their innocence, their childhood, and for some of them, their life ripped away from them and they just get forgotten by the world? I know everyone says the world is an unfair place, but this just takes it too far. These people deserve to have a voice, to be heard, to warn others about the evil in this world. Everyone always thinks "Oh, but things like that don't really happen." But they really did and they still do. What kind of person would commit such heinous crimes, I don't know but they're out there and nothing gets to me more than when I read about a child who was neglected,  tortured, raped, or murdered. I just wish I could help them. The world will always have evil, but what if everyone did their part to help a child or family in need? What if, when you were at the school or supermarket that day, and you saw that mother yell at her child in a slightly abusive way that didn't just seem like she was having a stressful day, you did something about it? What if everyone did that? I mean, if they did that to their child in public, imagine what they could be doing to them at home. Yes, it very well may be nothing and probably is but isn't it better to be safe than sorry?
One of my biggest regrets in life, and it still brings tears to my eyes, is that one time when I was 14 yrs old, I was out shopping with my Mom and sister when we stopped in the food court. My sister and I went to stand in line at one restaurant while my mom went to another. While we were in line, there was a lady in front of us that had a baby with her in a stroller, I would guess he was about 2. The baby started to ask for some water and the mother very firmly told the baby to "shut up". I was astonished someone could talk in such a way to an innocent baby but didn't think much of it as she could have just been busy at the moment and chosen the wrong words. The baby then got upset as any child spoken to in that manner would have and the mother crouched down to eye level with the baby and popped his face and said " I said shut up!". At this point, I was ready to burst with anger and heart-break! How could anyone treat a baby like this? At this point the lady was finally ordering and the baby looked as heart-broken as I felt with a tear-stained face and a puckering lip, but he did stop crying. The woman finished ordering and walked the baby over to the table she was sitting at and proceeded to sit on one side of the table with a friend and eat while the child sat in his stroller on the other side of the table with nothing to eat or drink and was expected not to talk or cry. After my sister and I finished ordering I immediately looked at her and said we HAD to do something! We needed to call someone; the police, CPS, security, I didn't care, just anyone who would do something for that child! When we got back to our table with our food we both told my Mom and they both agreed that CPS and the police wouldn't do anything about it and we didn't see anything major so it wasn't worth calling. I disagreed but I let it go. I went to sleep that night wondering what that child might be enduring while he was at home and no one was there to witness the pain his mother caused him. I should have insisted we call someone, but I didn't. That was 2 years ago and I still wonder about that child. Is he okay? Did something bad happen to him? Could I have stopped it? I'll never know, but I do know it kills me inside. I'll never watch something like that again and not do something. Every child deserves to be loved, or at least a chance; give it to them.
*Jane