Why?

Why does the world have so much twisted shit in it?
Why do people say one thing but really mean another?
Why do people say their one thing when they're really another?
Why lie?
Lying is probably my biggest pet peeve. Just tell me the fucking truth!
If you're trying to please me or impress me, don't lie about stupid shit, I'm going to find out the truth and every ounce of respect or trust I had for you just went out the window.
Not to mention big stuff, I mean if you honestly think you can hide the fact that you're an alcoholic, a junkie, a pervert, or just a jackass in general, you're only lying to yourself. You are who you are and only you can change that. Either fix it or don't hide it; obviously if you're not even willing to try and be better, you can't be that ashamed of it. No one wants to hear a bunch of excuses on why you "can't" change, it's bullshit! Everyone has an excuse for everything nowadays. America has excuses for why they don't have money, people have excuses for not getting things done, even murderers have an excuse...It's all bull, own up to your shit and make it right!....

On to my second point...
At what point in life do you look in the mirror and say, "I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm done partying, I'm done with ditching class, I'm done with not having a job, it's time to grow up." ?
I feel like I see more and more people everyday who seem to have missed the memo that they were eventually supposed to grow up.
There's a time where partying, procrastinating from school, having no job, spending all your money on shit you don't need, is all fun and harmless (well, mostly harmless), but there's a definite point where it's time to quit the drinking, the drugs, the spending, all of it. I think some people today are completely beyond hope. I see people who are from 18-40 that just never grew up, I hate it! You can only do so much partying, people!

On to my final point....
Why do people try to pressure you into doing stuff? I do enough stupid shit without your help, people!
I mean honestly, if I don't want to do drugs, have sex, drink...don't try to get me to. I've done it before, what if I'm trying to be a better person? Is that so hard to believe? Is that so hard to understand?
You know those above the influence commercials? The just say no commercials?
When I was a kid, I thought those were overreacted and stupid.
I thought wrong.
That shit is real! People try to pressure me into crap all the time!
If there's only one thing I can tell you throughout this post, it's this...I have done almost all of that stuff they're pressuring you to do. It's not that great, they're lying; people are liars. You WILL regret it later and it WILL be a mistake! After you do it once, you'll most likely do it again...and again. So just stop before you start and tell whoever is pressuring you to fuck off (perhaps in a nicer way...) But in all honesty, you probably don't even want to be their friend anyways, they'll only bring you down and nothing good will come from it.

So I leave you with this...

Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

 *Jane

New post

It's been a while since I've posted. I broke my ankle exercising last week. Now I'm just getting fatter and fatter, disgusting. I hate living as a fat person, I feel so worthless! I ate today and actually kept it down (Worst. Feeling. Ever!) and then I was so angry with myself, I can't help but wonder how most people don't purge. I mean maybe it's just that I've been doing this for so many years, it's all I know. But I don't really remember a time when I ate a bunch of food and felt okay about it, ever! I don't think there's anyway that someone could eat dinner and dessert on, say, Christmas or something and not feel guilty. All I have to do is eat 2 eggs and I feel repulsive. I just so feel like I don't deserve life like this. I'm so huge, it's horrific. I look like some kind of "super size me" Mcdonalds experiment.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just killed myself. I have tried with no success, and why? Why would taking 150 pills only make me sick but kill most people? Why am I still alive after everything I've done to myself? Could it be that I have some sort of greater purpose, that I'm just not supposed to die yet? Or maybe my body is just stronger than average and there's no kind of fate that was set up for me.
Which brings me to my point, is there a higher power? An after life? Someone who's in greater control? If you believe there is, is it because you have your OWN beliefs or because you just adopted someone else's and stuck with them? Could you truly explain to me why YOU personally believe? If you believe in God, how do you know the whole thing isn't bull? They have all this stuff about how God loves you, God is in control, God will help you through....
#1 If God loves EVERYONE, then how special is it that he loves you too? I mean, if he would love you if you murdered someone or if you were perfect, then what comfort should that be? I mean, God loves Ted Bundy and Jack the Ripper. Oh, but the fact that he loves me, that makes everything better...and if God loves everyone the SAME like the Bible says, then how does he decide who to let die and who let live? Christians believe you don't earn this stuff so it can't be that but then how on earth could God decide it's fair to let a 2 year old drown or a 5 year old die from Leukemia? What about the people who are murdered? If God controls everything and loves everyone the same then how does this work? Doesn't the Bible say God is just? Someone please tell me how this is just...
 #2 If God is in control of everything, then how come I can purge, cut, overdose, and do anything else I may want without him stopping me? Please tell me what exactly is he in control of? The day you're born, the day you die? Yes, how do you know that's not just life? I mean, people are born, people live, people die! That's all a part of the way the world works. How exactly do you know he's in control of those moments?
#3 Returning to the same point of if I can purge, cut, overdose, have loved ones die, be molested, be abused, or have any other bad things happen to me then how exactly does God comfort me? If we're going with believing in all of this stuff and we do believe God is in control, then ultimately, he let these things happen so how the fuck is he comforting!? This God which people believe in supposedly created everything and is in control and so he CHOOSES to let things like Murder, rape, assault, robbery, sickness, sudden death, ED, cutting, self hatred, pain etc. go on in this world? What kind of cruel God is this? I know this is all harsh, and I've never been willing to say any of it out loud, but it feels good to finally say it.
The part that gets me the most?
I think I believe in this God, I'm just not sure I can accept that he would do things like this. I'm not sure if he's a God I want to follow. Why would he allow this? Why would ANYONE allow this? I don't know about you, but if I saw everything going on in this world and I had complete control over everything, I would stop the bad shit! What kind of person wouldn't? And would you want to follow them all the days of your life?
Just my thoughts...
*Jane

If I could only disappear...I'm just sorry for being here.

Today my Mom told me she can't wait until I move out, don't worry Mom, I can't wait to get out of your way. She got mad because she was yelling at my little sister and she just looked at her and called her a little brat and gave her a look like she wished she were dead. Well I waited until my little sister left the room and then told my Mom that was entirely unnecessary, but she just told me I should never correct her and I was acting like it was some sort of abuse or something. Call me crazy or ridiculous or whatever but I think calling people names ESPECIALLY your kids and yelling at them like she was for something as silly as not putting her clothes on the right rack in her closet is verbal abuse. I mean my Mom didn't tell her she wanted them to be there, she just said it was logic....come on, she's 10, what logic does she have? So my Mom just yelled at me and told me she can't wait for me to be gone, it's fine, I understand. I'm not sure I could love a child like me either but I sure as hell am not going to let her do to my little sister what she has done to me. I love my Mom so much, I only wish the love was mutual. My parents have 6 kids and 1 mistake: me.
As to my weight, I have lost another lb already (: It's a great feeling!

I'll get here and I'll be perfect.

I'll be loved by someone because who can't love someone who's beautiful?

~Quod me nutrit, me destruit.~

*Jane