I wish I had never been born, but since that can't happen, I wish I were dead. As I type this, I'm not crying, I'm not about to cry, and I'm not even really truly upset. I have just come to realize that this is all there really is. People say life gets better but when? Something will always be wrong. No one is ever good enough, especially not me. Sometimes I try to talk to my mom about things she said or did when I was a kid, not necessarily horrible things, just things. She always denies them and re-tells the story her way to be a much happier story and that I made up the bad parts in my head. She also tells me these bad things I have done which I don't remember ever doing, or if I do, I don't remember it at all happening the way she does. She makes me feel guilty about everything and she makes me feel crazy all the time. I used to think she was trying to drive me nuts, but now I'm wondering if I'm really just delusional. I feel like I'm going crazy because this has been happening for years. What's wrong with me? She says all I try to do is hurt people. I hope that's not true, I would never want to intentionally hurt anyone, or at least I don't think so. I never knew how horrible of a person I was until my mom told me. I don't understand how I got to be so bad. I try to please everyone, but clearly, I fail. What kind of life can you live if you're such a horrible person? Delusional, hurtful, rude, and controlling. I'm a dangerous person. No one should be around me, I should be locked up somewhere.
She records me. My own mother records our conversations, no "fights". She said today "would you be okay if your friends heard this?". Why would she do this? I know I'm crazy, but why treat me like an experiment? I can't trust her. I can't trust anyone.
I wish I were dead.
I have tried, but to no avail.
I'm not afraid to die.
You cannot be afraid of what you deserve, which is why I don't fear pain.
No one deserves to have to be around me or put up with me.
"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?"
-Albert Einstein
*Jane
